squishymeister | Recent Entries

I don't know when November happened. I thought summer would last forever.. each day really did feel like an eternity... yet, here I am solidly in November!

Babies change a lot in their first year. My life has gone one steady metamorphosis since last March. At first life was just about surviving breast feeding. I watched the entire series of DS9 while breast feeding on the couch in Emily's early months! Then we started venturing out more and more... going to baby sensory class, swimming classes, and hanging out with my 2 mum groups- the NCT girls and the yoga girls.

I took Emily to America for a month to see friends and family, and then came back to England. It seems like we've only been back a couple of weeks... but it's been like a month!

Life is still hard.. there are times when I just want to do my own thing or put off things like mealtimes or nappy changes. There are times I don't have the patience for the whining or the crying or the screaming. In my mind I am writing a poem that essentially says "It's hard to love you at 4am". None of this is surprising- you hear it over and over again from every parent ever... but it is fairly true.

But moreso, I must say what a joy Emily is. She is soooo clever and talented and funny! She was sitting up and crawling BEFORE six months old. We have several babies in my mum groups with babies who are much older than Emily and can't do the things she can do. I'm serious- the girl has more personality than the rest of my sensory class (about 10 other babies) put together! They all just sit or lay there and passively take in the class, while Emily can't sit still! She constantly crawls up into the instructors lap and tries to grab the items that she is demonstrating to us. Emily is loud and fast and in the centre of it all! She really is the star of the show. She is so naughty... she delights in playing with anything that is NOT a toy- the cheekier the better. She constantly takes toys from other babies, and then often hits them with said toy (not hit hit... more like banging... on their face. Emily likes to bang toys and she enjoys banging them on whatever is closest, even if that is a person). She hates being dressed and changed, and is constantly trying to roll around and crawl away. There have been several occasions of her escaping mid-change and crawling around at top speed with a naked butt- all while shouting "ahhhhh" at the top of her voice. It might just be the funniest thing I've ever seen. She follows me around wherever I go and comes when I call her. When she sees me after a break she gets this HUGE smile, shouts, and crawls over to me at top speed. She laughs at my silliness (she thinks it's especially funny when I put toys on my head!) and really plays with me. She copies sounds like bababa or raspberries. She is now waving back when I wave to her. And she certainly understands when I ask her if she wants milk (she gets really excited when I say that).

We are still nursing on demand. I love it! I'm so so glad I stuck with it! I don't think I would have ever believed it in the early days... but it seriously doesn't hurt at all! To the point where sometimes I forget she is latched on and go to move her and a boob falls out of her mouth! She is really independent with her nursing too. She'll crawl into my lap and sit facing me or on her knees and have a quick snack. If she is hungry, she knows how to get a boob for herself. We started solid food as well. She really likes the Ellas packets. I haven't had much success with making my own food or doing much baby led weaning.. but this is working for us so far. She doesn't like anything with textures and gags on these. But she loves fruit and veg purees.

For many many months the sleeping has been the hardest thing. For her first 3 months she refused to be put down. Ever. So she slept with us. Then she got in the habit of going to bed at 1am and sleeping in bed with us. She went through a phase where it took several hours of soothing to get her to fall asleep every night. She has never slept through the night. She's now 7.5 months and goes to bed between 9-10:00 and goes down in her own cot. She still wakes up several times a night, and sometimes for several hours at a time in the middle of the night. She usually still ends up in our bed, so I never get to wake up and have me-only time in the morning (I can't transfer her to her cot then because she'll wake up and scream, and I can't leave her in our bed on her own cause she can wake up and crawl off the very high edge). She loves to sleep through the mornings. She'll often wake up for an hour or 2 between 6-8 and then goes back to bed till 10-11. I'll admit that most days I just sleep in with her... I don't get good sleep over night, so this is how I make it up. I'm not sure how it will work when I go back to work in January and we need to get up SUPER early! Luckily I'm only going back 2.5 days a week.. so we can ease into it.

So yeah... my baby is very quickly turning into a toddler. It's a strange feeling, you can't help but feel nostalgic for the tiny baby days- but it's weird to feel nostalgic for something that is such RECENT past. I mean, come on! It was only 6 months ago that she was still very much a newborn! I will admit though, that in general life seems to get better the bigger she gets!

We need a bigger flat. 1-bedroom is rough. I can't help but slightly resent and feel super jealous of new mums who get to decorate up a nursery... must be nice. But Emily is actually very happy sleeping in our room. I hope that she'll transition to her own room easily enough once we manage to find a 2-bedroom flat... it's just so expensive! We pay £1150/month here, and most 2-bedrooms are more like £1400/month. SERIOUSLY! It's insane.

Dave still manages to play music and paint. And I'm managing to work out at the gym (they have a crèche) and try to get back to my pre-baby weight. It's hard. But labour at least puts the pain of exercise into perspective!

I've been putting a fair amount of work into keeping up Emily's baby blog. I hope that we can figure out how to print it out, because it's really very special. I post stories and lots of pictures! I think it's cute and entertaining, and is a pretty good document of what life has been like. For some reason it's easier for me to post there than to typing an entry on LJ.

I'm quite looking forward to the holiday season! I haven't given Thanksgiving much thought yet, which I really need to do, as it's sneaking up on me! But I'm sure it'll all come together. And Christmas is going to be so special!

Hopefully I'll manage a post before then.. but if nothing else, I expect I shall be back to do my yearly New Years memes :)

Hmm... I'm really struggling to keep LJ updated! Here is a post I started back in August and never finished...

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I have been meaning to get on here and write a post for months now! It's still seems so hard to find the time/motivation for it though. I am doing quite a good job keeping up with a lot of other documentary traditions though. We take weekly photos of Emily every Thursday, a fancy monthly photo on the 26th, and I update her baby blog frequently. Livejournal fills a niche that none of these though- LJ can actually be about me and what life is like from my perspective. Sure, it's all still super baby-centric; BUT I can focus more on how I feel about things rather than the cute documentation that the blog gives me.

5 months. In general I wouldn't say that 5 months is a very long time. It's not even half a year! And it has, in fact, flown by so very very quickly. But the changes in my life even on a weekly basis in these past few months has been mind boggling. I think I pretty much last left you around the 2-3 month mark.

Emily has gotten much more independent, which has been a relief for me. I can put her down on the floor and she will play on her own for up to 10 minutes. Sometimes she won't have it, and often she doesn't make it quite that long... but it's a BIG change from the first month or 2 when I couldn't put her down AT ALL. She has gone from hating tummy time to preferring it, and she rolls onto her front now the minute you put her down. While this is cute and exciting (yay rolling around! And yay mobility and meeting milestones!) it can, at times, be annoying. Particularly when trying to change her nappy or get her dressed. She will NOT stay on her back, and it is super duper hard to wrestle her into a new nappy or outfit. We've had to start changing her on the floor, because it's just not safe to have her up on the dresser anymore. She also rolls onto her tummy in her bednest instead of staying on her back to sleep. I know this is supposed to be ok now... but I've been so diligent about making sure she sleeps on her back that it feels weird to let her sleep on her front, especially in the sleepyhead.

Oh yes, the sleepyhead! We got this on Gumtree about 2 months ago and it has CHANGED OUR LIVES. From the first night we had it Emily slept in her bednest AND pretty much slept through the night. She still goes to bed quite late most nights, usually about 1am. But she sleeps through until about 7, and then goes back to bed until about 9. This is such a blessing! Lots of people- particularly David's parents- have been informing me that it's not ok that she goes to bed so late and that I need to put her to bed earlier and just let her cry- cause that's what they did. They don't seem to understand that I A. don't want to just let her cry, and B. don't really see the problem with a late bedtime as long as she's getting enough sleep. 5 months old is too little for a structured bedtime in my opinion.

I didn't really get time to post about month 2... so I'll see how much I can recall and write about it here.

It's been hard to find time for livejournal. My typing time is very limited- and my mom keeps me very very busy with tasks for this baby book that she is working on, and I'm also trying to keep up a baby blog for Emily. I keep waiting for life to get noticeably easier, but it's happening so gradually that I don't really notice, and instead of easier, it just gets different. Anyways, on to the update!

Month 2 seemed to be pretty similar to month 1 in a lot of ways. The main focus on life was still trying to sort out breast feeding. But it was different in a couple of ways too. Dave was fully back at work and so I was on my own during the weekdays. And it was the month that the NCT girls started our weekly meetups. We started out meeting in a different place each week- but after a few weeks it fell into a routine of Wednesday afternoons at a pub called The Castle near Tooting Broadway. It's about a 10-15 minute walk for me to get there. Meeting with the girls, usually Dee, Tash, and Katharina (and sometimes Poppy, Caroline, and Charlotte) became the highlight of my week. It's good to get out of the house, and to talk to people who are going through similar stuff.

Now, Emily though, she's not like the other babies. She is SO NEEDY. Month 2 I continued to have to hold her constantly- even through naps and bedtime. But the breastfeeding did eventually start getting easier. I ditched the nipple shields and just cringed my way through feedings every 1-2 hours. By week 6 or 7 most of the pain had gone- though the initial latch still hurt. Dave was still doing most dinners, though most nights we still were relying on the frozen dinners I made while pregnant. It did mean for late nights though- we usually at dinner by 9-9:30. And Emily needed to be held through dinner time (you know- the same as all the rest of the 24 hours of the day). I was also really worried about her gaze aversion. Babies are supposed to like looking at high contrast stuff and faces- but she would activity turn her head away if I tried to make eye contact with her or get her to look at my face at all. It was most unusual, and had me worried about early signs of ASD or sensory processing disorder. I even took her to a doctor about it... everyone told me to not worry too much about it. I also started taking her to a cranial osteopath. I know there is no real evidence that says that it helps, but it was the first time any professional would listen to my concerns and tell me that it was ok to be concerned about those things and that we could work on it. They said she was suffering from headaches- you couldn't even touch her head. She had such a traumatic birth, that her whole system was still seized up and in shock from it. They told me it made perfect sense that she refused to be put down, was extra fussy and extra needy, and that she avoided eye gaze. She was just not a very happy little girl. I started taking her there every week and she slowly started to relax a bit.

By the end of month 2 I was starting to get a bit of reprieve. She would be occasionally put down, and she was becoming more enjoyable to be around. Lets see... she started smiling at week 4, and laughing at week 10. She was making cute cooing sounds and through month 3 really started talking up a storm!

Month 3 things got a lot better. She started napping on her bear, and then in the bednest and moses basket. Though most days I just have her nap on the sofa next to me. She sometimes will sleep in her bednest for a few hours at night. She is looking at faces and smiling and is interacting with both me and Dave by engaging in communicative turn taking and simple giggling games. She is actually well ahead in a lot of her milestones! She is producing more sounds and is communicating more than any of the other babies I know, she learned how to grasp and play with toys. Her favourite activity is shoving her bib in her mouth and chewing on it. She can grasp a blanket or cloth with both hands and move it around. She looks at what she wants to grasp too. She looks at a person when they walk in the room and smiles when it's mummy or daddy. At about 12 weeks old she started rolling over (front to back) and she can hold her head up indefinitely. So, well done on all of that! But she is still very very fussy and demanding. Her crying has also escalated to being unbearable to be around. She is SO. DAMN. LOUD. when she screams! I've been suffering from headaches because of it, and even David has lost his temper with the screaming and told her to shut up. It's so incredibly difficult to deal with. The really bad screaming started around week 10, and it's now week 12 and she's still going with it. If she's awake, there is a fairly good chance that she is screaming or getting ready to scream. She also seems to have regressed, she doesn't want to go in her playgym or really do anything other than eat and sleep. So I feel her constantly to put her to sleep. And then she wakes up and I maybe make it an hour before I'm so fed up with the fussing and screaming that I put her back on the boob- just to shut her up.

I love being on maternity leave, and I'm really enjoying how my social life has blossomed. And I love being a mum and find Emily really delightful, funny, and rewarding. BUT during these screaming fits, I find it really hard to like her or feel thankful for her. I am so jealous of all of the other mums who have babies that cry at normal volumes and are able to be put down and can stay happy on their own for more than 5 minutes. But then again, I also know that she is younger than all the other babies in my group, and she has surpassed all of them on all areas of development. So maybe it's because she's been going through a massive developmental growth spurt? I am hoping that life gets easier again. It does seem to come in waves- and problems go away only to be replaced with new ones.

She is getting really big and really heavy. I miss having such a tiny baby... but I honestly don't miss the newborn phase- it was really really hard. And I'm grateful that I'm breastfeeding now without pain. And she really does just keep getting cuter and cuter. If only she was more pleasant to be around! I think it's because I'm in the middle of this turbulent time that it's hard to remember that we actually did have a fairly easy 2-3 weeks before this started, and it's likely that this phase is nearly finished and she should be a lot of fun once it does.

Being a mother is certainly a lot harder than I thought it would be. But I'm also better at it than I thought I would be. I'm proud of myself for the amount of patience I've had with her. Even when it's really bad, I've refrained from shouting at her, or just leaving her to cry. I always think that I need to do what's best for her, and that she isn't doing this to me on purpose, and it's not personal.

Hopefully when I update next I'll have a few more positive things to say... she is awfully cute and funny though... it's just hard to remember that when she's fussing and screaming all the time!

So anybody who has spent more than 10 minutes with me probably is aware of how obsessed I am with my weight. I don't know why I care so much, but I really do. It's been a big part of my life since my childhood dieting days.

My first "diet" was around age 10. It wasn't so much a diet as a restriction of amount and type of foods to try to keep the weight in check. By Middle School I was certainly chubby, and by high school I was dieting regularly... and I have been ever since.

It tends to go like this: I diet for a while until I can't stand it anymore, and then I eat ALL of the things, because I LOOOVE eating. And I end up regaining any weight I lost and putting on an extra few for good measure.

In 2008 I hit my heaviest ever weight of 230 lbs. I was wearing a size 18 and I felt horrible about myself.

Here are my 2008 pictures:

I discovered Sparkpeople.com and managed to actually stick to a diet! I ate something like 800-1200 calories a day and exercised like crazy!

In May of 2009 I started training for a half marathon with my friend Eriko. My first run was a 3 mile run at 15 minutes per mile.... but I worked my ass off and managed to speed up and go further. And in September 2009 I ran the Chicago (Half) Marathon!

I kept working on the dieting and exercise after that, but I started dating David and I slipped off the wagon a little bit (new relationship bliss) I never gained back to my heaviest though! I kept around 200. I still felt incredibly fat, but it was still 30 lbs less than my heaviest!

Eriko and I decided to give the running another go, and trained for another half marathon in the spring of 2011.

After that, I kept working at the weightloss and I really started to see some results. By 2012 I was starting to feel fairly happy about the way I looked.

I moved to London and kept at it. Trying to maintain my weightloss and even lose a little bit more. By our wedding in 2013 I was feeling better than ever! I had reached about 165 lbs. In order to meet that goal I spent months eating less than 1000 calories a day and exercising my butt off. It felt worth it though. For the first time in my adult life I actually was feeling attractive.

It's so hard for me to maintain that kind of weightloss though. We're talking forever dieting. Yeah, lots of people can do it with "lifestyle changes", but if I eat 2000 calories a day I gain weight. And as I've said before, I LOVE eating! It's just about my favourite activity. And I'm a damn good cook. So I slipped a little. I was still exercising (running and doing hardcore yoga) and watching what I ate most of the time. But I put back on about 10-15 lbs.

Summer 2014 I got pregnant. This is what I looked like in the beginning (week 4) of that looong ordeal:

By the end of the pregnancy, March 2015, I was HUGE. I seriously felt like a walking planet. I gained SO MUCH WEIGHT. By the end I was 245 lbs or so.

After Emily was born I quickly lost the "kit weight". And dropped back down to a little under 230 lbs.

OK, yes, she is worth it. And, yes, I could have tried harder to lesson the weightgain during pregnancy. I hated my weekly pictures. I just saw all of the hard work QUICKLY going to waste. It's so difficult right now to look in the mirror. My stomach has been destroyed- it is covered in horrible stretch marks, has super stretched out skin, a cavernous belly button, and the worst muffin top fat you could imagine. Everywhere else is still fat too- my back, my arms, my face, my bum, my thighs.. etc. It's SOOO discouraging. I cry when I see pictures like this:

I know I should feel ok about it. Everyone gains weight when they're pregnant, and Emily is only 8 weeks old. But it just seems like most of the new moms I know look great! OK, maybe they are an extra 10 lbs from their pre-pregnancy selves... but I'm SIXTY lbs up. That is a fucking big number. I know I've done it before, and so I should take heart and know that I can do it again. But part of why I posted this timeline here is to try to demonstrate just how effing hard it was to lose that weight. I remember very well the ups and downs, the starvation, the exhaustion and soreness from exercise. And now I'm supposed to do it all over again- only now I've got a broken body and a baby to wrangle. I can't cut the calories like I used to, because I'm breast feeding and I need to make sure Emily is getting what she needs. I want to see people without feeling embarrassed by how fat I have become. I want to look in a mirror without feeling disgusted and horrified. I want to fit in my wardrobe again. I don't need to be skinny... I've never strived for skinniness. I don't even need to be at 165 again. I just want to look a normal size and not be morbidly obese.

I've started dieting as best I can given my physical restrictions and caloric responsibilities. I really hope the weight comes off... and in the meantime I'm sorry if I seem obsessive about it. It's just that upsetting.

One of the interactions I have with my daughter that completely melts my heart:

Emily often sleeps on a pillow on my lap on the couch. This is really the only way for her to take naps during the day (she isn't willing to sleep in a cot yet).

When she wakes up, she startles with her arms and gets a look of panic in her eyes for a moment. Then I gently stroke her cheek and whisper, "don't you worry, mommy's right here". And her whole body relaxes and she looks and me and smiles.

It amazes me that to her I mean comfort and safety and happiness. My heart just explodes with love <3

I had hoped to journal a bit more often than this... but I've found it very difficult to find time to type. Maybe as time passes I'll find some more "hands free" time and can update my journal more often. I really want to remember what day to day life is like right now, because I'm sure it'll pass in a blur.

Emily's first month has very much been an extension of the end of the pregnancy and labour. I guess this is fairly typical... the way a child comes into the world colours their first few weeks. As you know, the end of the pregnancy was long and hard, and the labour was quite traumatic for us both. Over the past 4 weeks Emily and I have been working on recovering from the ordeal.

Because I lost so much blood in delivery, my milk was delayed coming in. I seemed to produce very little colostrum, and days were spent on the ward with midwives squeezing my nipples trying to get me to express into syringes for Emily. She really wasn't interested in latching... she would maybe latch for a moment, give a couple of sucks, and then scream at me. I'm certain that it's because she was hungry and there was no food to be had. Either that, or she'd fall asleep with the nipple in her mouth (unlatched). Her first poo was delayed (about 50 hours), and even though she pooed in the waters, that wasn't a great sign. AND there were concerns about her kidneys, so the paediatrician and I agreed to give her formula and just keep trying to get her on the breast. She took to the formula right away and ate it with a savage hunger! We gave her an awful lot of formula while on the ward... she just wouldn't take the breast. One night she apparently ate 71 ml during her midnight feed! That was night 3 I think...

We came home on Tuesday (she was born on Thursday evening). We took a taxi and she slept the whole way. It was the weirdest feeling... being home with the baby. Everything was familiar, but felt so different. Around this time she started being willing to latch. That night she bit me so hard that my nipple was blistered and bloody... I had a total meltdown about how much it hurt and how hard breast feeding was. In the middle of this meltdown my phone rang with the breastfeeding support team from St George's calling to check on me. It was well timed for me, but I gotta feel bad for the poor lady on the phone who then spent an hour listening to me cry :P.

Nobody ever warned me how much I'd cry in the first few weeks. The combination of how hard breastfeeding was and the huge surge of emotions mixed with sleep deprivation made for a very weepy Amber. I often felt that I wasn't nearly as upset as my crying would indicate, but other times I really was. Every time I had to give Emily a bottle of formula I would sob- because it meant that I was failing her, and ever bottle was a step backwards in our progress (with my milk production and her latching).

So yeah... most of her first week was on the ward. Her second week was all about desperately trying to make breastfeeding work. David was home that week, and spend most of his time in the kitchen sterilizing things. It was SO hard! Because we were doing everything, and so had all of the hard parts of each feeding strategy. I had the pain of trying to get her to latch onto swollen and blistered nipples. I would cry through each feed because it hurt so badly. I was expressing milk with the pump to try to build up my milk supply, which was on the low side still- which involves sterilizing and a LOT of time sitting on the machine. I hate time spent pumping. And formula requires constant sterilization of bottles. We dropped a LOT of money on this problem that week. We bought the breast pump, large shields, medium shields, and then small shields (because apparently having huge breasts doesn't mean you have huge nipples, and my nipples are actually quite small- who knew?). We bought containers for bottle bits, containers for sterilizing, sterilizing solution, and a steam sterilizer for the microwave.

We went to the Gooseberry Bush Cafe for a breastfeeding support group. It was a bit helpful, and a really nice place. I was also posting a lot of my Amber's Parenting Support group that I made on Facebook. I've been getting a lot of support and help from people there, especially Sarah Ellis, Terri Burnett, Devon, and Mel. It's really kept me going.

During week 2 I introduced nipple shields, and they seemed to make the pain just mild enough to keep me going. It's now been 2 solid weeks of no formula, which I'm quite proud of! Though my nipples and boobs still hurt like crazy. We're past the injuries though at least.

Emily eats on a very weird schedule. Sometimes she'll go 5 hours between feeds (well, she only does that between her 4am and 9am feeds), and other times it feels like she sucks like a chain smoker! She'll nurse for 45 minutes, take a 15 minute break, and go back in for another hour. I swear she isn't getting much milk during this, but she makes it very clear that nursing is the only way that we can calm her down. It's during these times that I really start hurting.

She cries/fusses a lot and absolutely refuses to be put down. She won't sleep in her bednest either... so I probably spend something like 20-22 hours a day holding her. During the day just holding her doesn't seem to be enough to calm her though, so I put her in the Moby Wrap, and that seems to do the trick. The health visitor diagnosed her with colic last week. I tried taking her off of the nipple shields to help, but after 2-3 days was in so much pain that I had to go back to them at least part of the time. I also started giving her Infocol before meals. I'm not sure if it's helping, but I think it might be. I think I've figured out a routine that works for her... feed, mummy talk, then in the wrap. If I repeat that all day, then I mostly avoid daytime meltdowns. We still have a really hard time going to bed at night. She screams from about 11-1 every day. David is much better at calming her and getting her to sleep during this time than me. I think when she's with me all she wants is to nurse, and if I don't let her nurse she just fusses... but David is actually able to soothe her to sleep.

I know it all sounds fairly whiney... but that's just the work of it. It's getting through the fusses and the breast feeding challenge. But other than those things, I really am over the moon with her.

I don't know if mummy goggles are a real thing... but I swear I think she is absolutely just the cutest thing in the world! I can't get enough of her expressions. Even her fussy face is adorable (though her screaming face is less so). She just looks so pathetic when she scrunches her eyebrows and sticks her lower lip out to fuss! She doesn't really look at our faces yet, but I think she is starting too. And near the end of week 3 I think she started smiling occasionally! It completely makes my day when she smiles!

When I take her out of the Moby wrap she tends to hold her legs all scrunched up and raises her head and makes the cutest eyebrows up face while still half sleeping. I wish I could capture it in a picture, but I don't think we'll be able to. And when she is having a particularly good feeds, she half closes her eyes like "oh man... this is the BEST milk in the world!"- I think I've made that face when eating sushi...

Her hair is getting blonder every day, and I swear she is just getting cuter all the time. She no longer fits in the NB clothes, but is still solidly in the 0-1 mo range. Most of the clothes that I have are 0-3 mo, which are still too big. I know that she'll just get cuter, and that life will get easier once she's a bit bigger... but I just LOVE her being this tiny!!! I am really excited to see what the next stage will bring, but I'm also really sad to say goodbye to her being just SO small and helpless and new. We've taken a lot of pictures, but they don't really capture what she's like. I hope I can remember it...

There are a few funny stories and anecdotes that I want to remember. It doesn't make for a smoothly flowing entry, but oh well.

My nickname for Emily is Fusspot, because she fusses so much! We call David the Hairy Monster and we call me the Booby Monster. This pretty much summarizes our roles in the family unit right now.

Yesterday when I was taking a shower Emily loudly pooped. I looked at her and asked, in motherease, "Emily! Did you poop??" and I swear she looked at me and gave me the biggest grin for just a second. It was super funny.

Over the weekend David was changing her. I asked "did she poop?" because we haven't been getting much poop and I'm still worried about the amount of food she's getting. Dave said "no, just pee, but don't worry, she's pooping plenty!" I was about to say that I wasn't sure about that... and then Emily pooed all over Dave. During the process of changing her she pooed 4 times all over the changing mat. She waited for David to wipe her, and then pooed again. She seemed very pleased with herself, and I was sitting on the couch laughing my head off and posting on FB while David delt with the pooptastrophy. I'm just glad she pooped. Favourite quote from it, Dave said "each poo is getting increasingly violent!" And of course, all of the laughing I did made me pee myself a little, because I still don't have great bladder control.

Emily lets me shower quite happily. I put her moses basket in there, and she'll wiggle around for a good 10-20 minutes without fussing (a big deal for her!). I think the sound of the shower calms her down. I tried finding similar shower noise to play to her over speakers... but she won't have it. She can only be soothed by the real thing.

When she stretches after a nap she puts one arm up and then the other, and it looks like she is making a Victory pose. I love it!

She makes little piggy noises when she is desperately trying to root for a boob.

Daddy will hold her while she is crying and try everything to calm her (her favourite is being held up and bouncing straight up facing us). She won't respond to it at all, and I'll take her from him and immediately she'll stop crying. Poor Dave. POOR me!

I've been using my ipad a lot to check email and FB and play games while spending endless hours breast feeding her and holding her while she sleeps. I can't really type all that well, but I am reading everything that people write.

My mom has gone insane with this baby book that she's making. I really appreciate all of her efforts... but it's just too much. I don't feel like we need to document every single little detail! I get emails from her constantly asking for me to write things up, take pictures of various things, and scan various things. Seeing as how I can't even really get myself a glass of water these days, this is just too much. I don't think she appreciates how difficult it is having a baby that won't be put down. I know she had challenging kids... but at least all of her babies happily napped in a separate container. But she's also doing this amazing thing for us! She has put in countless hours and will cost her a lot of money to print. I don't want to seem ungrateful... but I also don't like being constantly badgered (and I'm not interested in being one of those insane parents that has to create the illusion of a magical childhood. I don't need to throw a first birthday party that is as elaborate as our wedding celebration! For now, I'm just trying to do as much as I can for her. But some of it is just ridiculous. Like, she wants a picture and write up of what we do on St George's Day. Nobody celebrates St George's Day... nobody even really knows that it exists. It will be NO different than every other day. I've told her this, and she said "that's fine, just write that up for me and take a picture of her for the book". Sigh.

We are trying to do some stuff to remember this time though. We're taking pictures when we can. And we're taking weekly pictures right now (sort of a continuation from the pregnancy weekly pictures). I'm going to try to update LJ when I can. And we did handprints and footprints a couple weeks ago (that was bloody difficult!!).

I wish there was a way to just remember what it feels like to hold her while she's this small, the feeling of her rooting around to feed, the sounds of her squeaking and breathing, the feel of how soft she is, and how she has that delicious newborn smell.

Oh well, onwards and upwards! I'm going to post another entry with some of my favourite pictures from her first month.

I have all of this journaling that I want to do so that I can remember what these early days were like... but there just seems to be NO time at all for it! Which is probably a good enough indication of what the days are like... lol

Emily is taking an un-held nap for now though, and I've just finished an hour long pump, so I just might have time to write up what happened with the labour... here we go!

So, Emily was due on 15th March. She arrived on the 26th- nearly 2 weeks late. She wasn't huge though, weighing it at about 7 lbs 5 oz. The labour really didn't go to plan at all, but she made it out safely in the end, so I'm ultimately happy.

I started feeling cramping-like feelings on Monday the 23rd. I walked to Wimbledon Common and had a reflexology appointment which was very nice. I felt fairly chilled about the cramping and was really hoping that they meant that the end was near. By that evening I was having very mild contractions every 4-8 minutes or so. They hurt, but were totally bearable. But then by bedtime they had slowed down a lot- about every 10 minutes. I stopped tracking them (we used an app on my ipad to track contractions which was very helpful!) and got some sleep.

Tuesday morning I woke up with contractions continuing to be fairly far apart and irregular. They were no longer mild, more along the medium strength variety. And they came ever 10-30 minutes for most of the day. I spent my time bouncing on the blue ball and trying to distract myself by talking with Sara and various internet things. By that evening they were getting more consistent and frequent- about every 5-8 minutes, and starting to get up to borderline heavy pain. I thought for sure we'd be off to the hospital that night- but the contractions never got more frequent. I couldn't sleep in bed because the pain was just too much. So I hung out in the living room and let David sleep. I spent some time in various positions hoping to relieve the pain- like all 4s with my my head on the couch. I called the hospital and told them what was happening, and they encouraged me to stay home until contractions were closer.

Wednesday morning we were at a solid every 5 minutes, but the pain was definitely in the severe range with each contraction, and they lasted 45 seconds to a minute. I called the hospital again just to check in, and I spoke with a midwife in the Carmen Suite who told me to come in. I thought it was strange, because I wasn't having 3 in 10 yet, but she sort of wandered away on the phone and I ended up hanging up and telling Dave to call a cab. I probably should have called back... Anyways, we went got in a taxi and went to the hospital with all of our bags. We went to the Carmen Suite, but they had no room for us- so we went to the Delivery Suite to be assessed. I had to wait in the waiting room for a while and finally got looked at by a midwife. She told me that I hadn't started dilating yet; that I was still in the phase where the cervix gets ready to dilate. I had a scan booked for that day anyways (because of being 41 weeks) so they sent me up to the 4th floor and we did the whole gambit of having a scan (which looked just fine according to the doctor) and had the belt on. They were happy with the monitoring of the baby and contractions on the belt and sent me home with a date to come back for induction for the following Monday if things hadn't moved along by then (which seems odd to me). The visit during the belt was quite nice though, because one of the girls from my NCT course, Caroline, was there and came and chatted with Dave and I. It took some of the boredom and stress away, though I was embarrassed that she could see all of my crazy stretch marks... oh well. Dave and I had McDonalds on the way home (we went via the tube home cause I was feeling like maybe a bit of extra walking might help speed things up). I got some very interesting looks from the people around us as I continued to clearly have very painful contractions every 5 minutes. Believe it or not, people get very concerned when there is a heavily pregnant lady around having contractions. I think they were wondering what I was doing in a McDonalds and not in the hospital that was down the road. I had to keep telling everyone that I had just come from the hospital, that they sent me home and I was fine. I laboured the rest of that day in a bit of a blur at home. Contractions never came quicker than 5-minutes. I was in a fair amount of pain at that point and getting pretty tired.

Wednesday night was rough. I forced myself to go to bed, because I had got so little sleep the night before I knew I would need some if I was going to get through the labour. But the contractions hurt REALLY badly at this point, and they continued to happen every 5 minutes. I put on the hypnobirthing guided meditation track on my laptop and played it on loop all night (it's about 20 minutes long). I tried to focus on that and relax. The contractions were very strong- I had to breath through them and punished my pillow an awful lot. Dave I think got kicked around a bunch too- but he managed to sleep through the whole night without noticing lol.

Thursday morning I went back to the tracker and found that I was STILL only every 5 minutes. At this point I was super tired and really struggling to deal with the constant pain. The contractions felt a lot like unbearable pressure on my coccyx and general lower abdomen area. I felt like if I could just have a good old toilet break I'd feel better lol. I got back in the shower (I had been taking a lot of showers to help with the pain) and then switched to a bath. Dave stayed with me and timed the contractions. At some point in the bathtub the pain went up another level and the contractions started to speed up a bit. Dave managed to help me out and dry me off. We got into the living room and I ended up with a splitting pain in my side in addition to the frequent contractions, which were now every 3-5 minutes. I was desperate to find a position to lesson the pain and ended up curled up in a ball on the floor. David called the hospital and they said to come in. There was a minute there when we were both fairly scared about how I was going to get to the hospital, because I couldn't move from the floor position. Dave kind of asked the people on the phone at the hospital what to do and they said they didn't really understand the question. I think Dave was wondering if we needed to call an ambulance or not. I told him to call the cab and that I'd find a way to manage.

It took the cab about 30 minutes to arrive- which David was very not impressed by, BUT it gave me the time to gather enough strength to stand up, put the rest of my clothes on, and walk downstairs. I apologised profusely to the cab driver about my state, and promised him I wasn't going to have the baby in his car. I had about 2-3 contractions in the cab on the way to the hospital, which was beyond embarrassing. He was a good sport about it though and told me not to worry about it.

I thought I'd be able to walk to the elevator and to the Carmen Suite, but I didn't manage it and David needed to get me a wheelchair. No waiting rooms for us this time. We got straight into one of the lovely Carmen Suite rooms with the giant birthing tub and all of the other equipment. 2 very nice midwives assessed me. They discovered that there was merconium in the waters (I was smart enough to put a pad on- cause the plug had come out either the previous night or the one before, but I thought there was extra stuff, and was right). They did an assessment and I was shocked to find out that I was 7-8cm dilated! I cried and told them I wanted to hug them. I was so afraid to be told that I was STILL not on my way. They listened to the baby's heartrate and found that it was a bit slow and irregular. The baby was not happy. So because of that (and partially because of the merconium) they apologised and said it would be better for me to go to the delivery suite where I could have continual monitoring (with the belt). I was happy that one of them decided to stay with me, her name was Emma. I remember she had sandy hair and brown eyes. She was excellent- very calm and supportive, but not invasive at all. Because I was positive for step I needed an IV, but there was nobody there to give me the IV... and it ended up being that we didn't think there was time for me to get 2 doses at 6 hour intervals, so the baby was going to need antibiotics once they were born. I was a bit sad about that, but honestly a bit happy to avoid an IV in my hand.

The labouring was hard. It was SO HOT and it hurt a LOT. I used gas and air to take the edge off of the contractions. It didn't take the pain away, but it allowed me to breath through them instead of scream through them.

Then I had an hour or 2 of transition. I think it was transition at least... it was an hour or 2 when I pretty much lost it. I was begging for David or Emma to make it stop. I just wanted Emma to tell me that I was near the pushing stage and that it would be over. The bed was facing a wall with a clock, so I could see how long I was labouring for. It was awful. At one point the baby's heartrate became really unstable again and they needed to put an internal monitor on its head. It hurt to have it applied, but I managed. It needed to be re-applied at some point too because it wasn't working. It was nice to have the belt off, but having the wire coming out of me was not nice. I ended up on my left side for a good long while because the baby seemed happiest with me there. Every time I felt a contraction coming I would panic slightly because there was no escape from the pain. And I didn't know I could scream so loudly...

At some point I managed to calm myself down. I remember telling myself that there was nothing to be gained by wasting energy with trying to escape, and that I just needed a break. So I decided to stop thinking that I was in labour, and instead just think of it as very bad food poisoning. I've been sick before and have survived, I could survive this. It was around this time that I started pushing.

I pushed for 3 hours. I pushed for about an hour when my body just wouldn't let me not push anymore. And then for another hour on my own after the midwife assessed me and confirmed I was dilated enough to push. And then her shift ended and another midwife came, Margaret. She told me it was going to be a rough hour- much harder than the rest of the labour, because I was going to have to work hard. I started out on all 4s, but the baby wasn't happy.. so I ended up pushing on my back. I remember saying that I thought gravity was important, but the midwife said that because the baby was distressed that it was important to be in this position. So I pushed and I pushed and I pushed. And nothing. No progress. After an hour and 15 minutes of this the midwife called for consult. A woman came in, a doctor I'm sure, and needed to do an assessment. She had to feel where the baby was... with her whole hand. That was the worst part of the labour. I used the gas to get through it. I remember staring at some midwives face while going through it trying to stay calm. I took it so much gas the room started spinning and I got super disoriented, but it still hurt like you couldn't believe. I had another contraction and nearly fell off the bed trying to get away. And I was hyperventilating and screaming. They were like "woah there!" and I said "I'm sorry, I'm really disoriented" and managed to find control again. Then there was a man, and he was telling me that I needed a spinal. I cried and said I made it this far without and didn't want it because it wasn't good for the baby and I was scared. There were a fair number of people in the room at this point, all looking at me. I was so tired and in so much pain and I didn't really understand why the baby wasn't coming. He said the baby wasn't making progress and that they needed to help me, but I was in too much pain to continue and that they couldn't help me without taking the pain away. It took about 5 minutes I think for me to agree to the spinal. Then I was having somebody going through paperwork with me, a risk assessment, I had to agree to all of the risks. I had to sign the paperwork and date it (super hard), and they quickly wheeled me to the operating theatre.

David had to change into blue scrubs, and somehow I managed to change into their dressing gown (not sure how I managed that). I remember I was afraid of moving with the needle in my back during a contraction, because they just hurt so much. But I was still. I had to sit on the edge of the bed and bend over a pillow. I also had an IV put in my hand, and bloods taken out of my other arm. Lots of needles, lots of contractions... it was pretty much my worst nightmare... but I survived it without crying and without freaking out. Then the most magical thing happened. My legs went tingly and then the pain was gone. I looked around the room and saw how many people were in there- lots! I saw my legs were in stockings and up in stirrups- I had no memory of that happening. The midwives and various other people kept me distracted by talking about whether the baby was going to be a boy or a girl. We all pretty much agreed that it would be a boy, because they were being so uncooperative! The doctor tried the suction thing first, but it didn't work. So then he started with the forceps. I had to push when they told me I was having a contraction. It was weird, pushing with no sensation. I'm glad I knew how to bare down without feeling it. They told me my pushes were still good and strong. They did 5 pulls in 11 minutes (I know that because David accidentally got a picture of the board!). That is more than they are supposed to do... I think 3 pulls in 5 minutes is the rule. We were SUPER close to an emergency C-Section. I remember the doctor saying we'd try 1 more time before surgery- and the baby came out. 7:22 PM. They put it on me, but we couldn't see the sex. Somebody lifted and I remember thing "how strange, I don't see a willy" and then Dave said "it's a girl"! At that point they took her over to the medical station to make sure she was ok (standard practice with merconium). She was covered in all sorts of gory yucky stuff. She started crying on her own and the doctor cleaned her up a little and then I got her back within just a couple of minutes. David was with her the whole time though. They didn't take her again after they gave her back to me, and Dave and I had some time with her while I got stitched up.

I had had an episiotomy and also had vaginal tearing. She was trying to stitch up the tearing, but it kept weeping, so she had to put a pack in to stop the bleeding. I lost about a litre of blood (I guess out of a total of 5 that a human has?). They left the IV in my hand and left the catheter in. I was wheeled to recovery where we tried our first feed. It went ok I think... Emily was very tired and I was very tired, so I don't think much happened. They checked my iron levels and various other things, and then we got a room on the delivery suite to stay in that night were we could be monitored. David slept in a chair. The next morning they came by and slowly assessed and removed the stuffs. Taking the pack and catheter out was less than fun... but I managed. I needed more bloodwork to be done as well. I was given 3 hours to pass urine or I'd need another catheter. I don't think I've ever been so motivated to drink loads of water in my life! But I just couldn't pee. There was no sensation at all. I finally managed to get them a bowl of wee to prove that I could do it. There was a lot of blood still coming at that point (it lessoned after about a day I think). They took Emily to see the doctor and left me in the room for a while. Oh they did that the night before too... they were gone for ages! They had to put her IV in and all that. After lunch I was moved to the Ward. There were no wheelchairs, so I walked. We were put in bed 8, the furthest room from the entrance.

We were on the ward until Tuesday afternoon. I'm not sure if I'll get around to posting what life was like on the ward. I'll give a *short* summary here just in case I don't get to it.

The ward was hot. Very hot. And the beds had plastic- so I just sweated all the time. There were lots of people and lots of noise. Emily stayed in a plastic cot thing by the bed. I ate sausage and mash or mushroom quiche for every meal. There were a lot of different people who saw us- midwives, nurses, doctors, and specialists. The vast majority of them were very kind and empathetic and helpful. The advice they gave was very inconsistent. Emily wouldn't take the breast... she would either scream or sleep when I tried to feed. I was taught how to hand express into a syringe. I had lots of midwives roughly squeezing my areola to get colostrum out. The colostrum and milk were in short supply and delayed- presumably because of the blood loss. The first night Dave went home, but it was hard. Emily screamed a lot and I had a hard time dealing with it because of mobility. Dave spent the night there the rest of the time, and it got easier. Emily slept a lot, but we were kept very busy, between feeding, hand expressing, and talking to midwives/doctors, and trying to sleep a bit ourselves. I was given paracetomol, IUBProfin, and iron tablets. My pelvic floor was a cause for concern- I continued to have very little control or sensation over various functions. Every day it gets a little bit better though, I can just about feel a pelvic floor lift now. Neighbours in the ward were mostly good.. but 1 really nasty set of people. There was an amazing nurse who got me a fan after I had a mini-meltdown to her about all of the stresses (one of which was that it was just about 90 degrees in this room). Emily received 5 days of antibiotics through an IV in her hand. We had to keep a sock over it to keep her from pulling it out. It was nice having support just a button away, but I was very very happy to go home.

Right! So that's a post! I can't believe I finished it! Emily has been very good this morning and has been super chilled and napping. Yesterday she wouldn't settle unless she was being held, so I had no hands for typing. I don't think she's been getting enough food... today we've been giving her more formula to top off my milk, and she seems much happier. But that's for another post ;)

Hold on, to me as we go
As we roll down this unfamiliar road
And although this wave is stringing us along
Just know you're not alone
Cause I'm going to make this place your home

Settle down, it'll all be clear
Don't pay no mind to the demons
They fill you with fear
The trouble it might drag you down
If you get lost, you can always be found

Just know you're not alone
Cause I'm going to make this place your home

I started having period-like cramps yesterday morning, quite possibly yesterday while I was asleep (I didn't sleep well at all- I was up 5-6 times and was hurting, but as I was half-asleep it didn't register that I was having regular cramps until I was up at about 6:30).

They were pretty mild and pretty far in-between. I walked to Wimbledon Village for my reflexology appointment. It was a nice foot massage- not sure if it did anything to help though. During the hour-long massage I had 2 or 3 of these... lets call them "contractions" for lack of a better term- though I don't think that they are true contractions.

I then had some lunch and walked home. So about 2.5 miles of walking all together. I then sat on my ball and started timing them. At first they were 8-10 minutes apart and very mild. I was feeling pretty excited and happy- and delighted that the pain was so mild at least to start with.

I had a long bath and then went back to timing. By the time David was leaving for work they were 4-5 minutes apart, and somewhere between very mild and mild. By the time Dave got home they were between mild and moderate. We had a relatively pleasant evening. David was going nuts trying to make sure everything was ready, and I just bounced on my ball. But at about 9-10:00 they stopped coming so frequently. They were back to 10 minutes apart by the time I went to bed. I managed to get some sleep... the "contractions" were certainly painful enough to wake me up, but I was pretty much able to get back to sleep without too much fuss. I used my relaxation techniques to keep myself from waking up all the way, and tried to incorporate the "contractions" into the dreamscape. They became big waves that I needed to dive through. Not bad for a conscious brain.

Upon waking up this morning, they were even further apart. They were coming anywhere from 10-30 minutes apart, only the intensity was stronger. I'd say they've been solidly in the moderate zone. Enough to make me very uncomfortable. I can feel the OWWW panic right under the surface with them- which has me a bit worried, because these apparently aren't even the real thing. I have no idea how I'm going to deal with pain that makes these look like a joke. They tend to last for about 45 seconds. I try to tell myself that it's only for that long and then I'll be ok again- but it's hard in the moment.

I'm feeling slightly frustrated that it's taking this long, and that it seems to have slowed down rather than the normal progression. Apparently this pre-labour stage of period-like contractions can last anywhere from 4-48+ hours, or some people don't get it at all. My mother has never heard of it. I sent David to work again today- there is no point in him sitting at home watching me pant a couple times an hour.

I still have that appointment for a scan tomorrow morning. And if things are still the same as now I have every intention of going. It'll be nice to get some advice/support in person from the midwives.

There... I had to stop typing just then to breath through a "contraction". I really want to seize up and crumble to the floor and swear and pant. But when I FORCE myself to go into my hypnobirthing state of relaxation, it does honestly hurt slightly less. But it's super unintuitive. Like rubbing alcohol into a would to make it hurt less- only it does seem to work. It definitely does not make it pain free, but it's slightly easier to breath through and it makes it seem to pass quicker.

Anyways... back to my post. I'm really hoping that things move along soon. My patience is spent, and I feel so ready to move on to the next stage (even though I know it'll be hard). The flat is clean, we're all packed, and I'm as well rested as can be under the circumstances.

I feel so disappointed with how all of the end has gone- which I realise is silly. But I had really hoped to have the baby by now- and I'm still really worried that the baby is going to be huge. A fear made all the worse by giving the kid a few extra weeks to pack on the fat :P. And I feel like I've wasted a 10th of my maternity leave with the waiting stage. And I'm really really tired of people messaging me telling me to eat spicy curries and take caster oil. AND I made the mistake of telling my mother that I was having cramps yesterday, and she decided it was her place to get on the phone to EVERY one of my relatives and tell them that I'm in labour. I'm sure if I wasn't so hormonal and uncomfortable these things would bounce off a bit better... but I'm feeling more and more like hiding under a blanket or worse, marching into the hospital and begging for an induction (which I don't want). It all just seems so unfair :P

Tomorrow is week 41. I have to say, I didn't imagine that I'd be one of the people to have a late baby. My mom had all 4 of her kids early, my aunt had my cousin early, my mom and aunt were both on time or early, and Dave was EIGHT weeks early, and his sister was early. Everyone in my family on both sides always seems to deliver early or ontime- so I figured I'd be the same. Therefore, I did NOT prepare myself to deal with this.

It has been an excruciatingly difficult week. I'm not handling it well at all. I think I've cried just about every day.

I had a midwife appointment on Thursday. I cried through that. She tried to do a membrane sweep- twice. I cried through those- which is just humiliating. She stopped because I was clearly not coping (it really hurt!), and the cervix was really too far back for her to do it. So the cervix is still tucked away, and I'm not really dilated at all (she said maybe half a centimetre). She made an appointment for me to have a scan on Wed, where we will schedule a induction. I asked her if she had any kind of inclination as to if I had a chance of having the baby before that. She said that she was pretty sure I'd still be pregnant and need the appointment.

I don't want a huge baby. I really don't. And I don't think there is any chance of me being 2 weeks late and NOT having a huge baby. I don't want to birth a huge baby- especially because I expect it will be a long hard labour, followed by caesarian when they I fail. In America people in this position are schedule of caesarian pre-emptively. Not here. They keep telling me that they aren't concerned about big babies, they are concerned about small babies. In fact, the midwife said to me "you're a big girl, you'll be fine". Helpful.

I don't want an induction. I wanted a natural childbirth. Induction hurts, and the labour after induction hurts more than natural childbirth. I'm already nervous enough about this and coping with the pain- the last thing I need is for factors that make it harder and more painful.

I really wanted a Pisces baby. I thought for sure they'd be born by the time the 20th passed. Nope. I know it's dumb.. but I loved the idea of all 3 of us having the same sign. Now the baby will be an Aries. I am not thrilled. Dave says it doesn't make a difference and that everything will be fine. But I'm really bummed.

I don't want to be pregnant anymore! I'm INCREDIBLY uncomfortable. I can't move, I can't sit, I can't lay down, I can't DO ANYTHING. I am not getting any sleep because I'm so uncomfortable and the baby's kicks and movements at this stage are really painful. You try sleeping with somebody kicking you hard in the stomach! I have to pee every 2 hours or less.

I'm so so so fat. Going late means I've got an added 2-3 weeks of weight gain to contend with. I weighed in at 245 pounds on Thursday. I cried. (I cry a lot right now). I can't stand the way I feel and the way I look. I don't even recognize myself when I look in a mirror. And I don't fit in ANY of my clothes. I have 1 pair of PJ pants and 1 pair of yoga pants that I can get in. And a couple maternity shirts that I can still get in. But, and I know this is TMI, but there is a lot of leakage happening right now- so my pants get really smelly really fast. Even when I'm changing underwear twice a day. In fact, there is so much I thought my water had broke- but no. Wearing a pad doesn't really seem to help- it just makes everything sweatier and smellier :P. And I can't do enough laundry to keep on top of these 2 pairs of pants and keep them not stinking. It's just so unpleasant.

I'm tired of the anxiety. Having labour looming over you wreaks havoc on the nerves. Having been ready to go since week 37- I'm now 4 weeks into feeling like it could happen any day. Everyday I wake up and think "will today be the day?" and I wait and wait and wait- noticing every twinge. And yet- it never happens. I've had lower back pains, period-like pains, braxton hicks, and digestive discomforts for weeks now. These are supposed to be pre-labour signs. It's a lie.

I'm fucking tired of people. I don't know WHY ON EARTH people think that when I'm dealing with all of this I want to hear about how you are disappointed I didn't have the baby on Wednesday because it means you lost $20 in a bet- or even worse, that you're hoping I won't have the baby for YET ANOTHER WEEK because then you'll win $20. This is beyond unhelpful. I'm tired of emails and messages saying "any news?". oh yes! didn't I mention? I had the baby and just figured I'd keep it a secret. But since you've emailed me, I'll let you in on it. :P. I'm even sicker of people telling me that they KNOW the ONLY way to naturally induce. As if I don't know. I know ALL of them. None of them work. "nipple stimulation- it's the only way". "have, you know what, with David ;) ;)- I know it sounds weird, but it WORKS!", "caster oil, it worked for my friend!", "caster oil is the only way you'll get that baby out", "you should eat a spicy meal, that'll do the trick!", "if you want that baby out you better be spending your days walking", "you should get a birthing ball and bounce on it- that worked for me!". Yes. Great. I KNOW you're trying to be helpful- but stop. First of all- I know all of these (and more! Like, eating the core of pineapple, though you have to eat a LOT of it, and it essentially works like caster oil. Or the one where you swallow semen, or going for a bumpy car ride, or having a midwife do a membrane sweep, or acupuncture, reflexology and pressure points, eggplant, relaxing, aromatherapy, and on and on and on.) The ones that I can do- I'm doing. They don't work. Do you know how much spicy food I've eaten? I've had lots of pineapple. I've been walking tons, I sit on a birthing ball ALL day every day. We're having sex almost everyday, even though it's highly uncomfortable at this point, I have a reflexology appointment, I have clary sage on my pillow, doing things to increase oxytocin levels. Nothing. Works.

Yes, I'm moody. I'm not happy. I'm trying to come across as relaxed about it on FB and not really telling people about just how past my limit I am. But- I try to be honest on LJ.

It just feels like everything has gone wrong. I know that at the most I have another week of waiting- and that one way or the other we'll get the baby out. But I just really am disappointed with how this is going.

I've been thinking about this post for a couple of weeks now. I figure it's a good enough activity to distract me for a half hour or so...

What will I miss about being pregnant?

I'll miss not counting calories. I haven't gone this long without being on a low-calorie diet since pre-high school! The repercussions of it are enormous (quite literally!)- but I *have* enjoyed not reducing calories for this long.

I'll miss the lens change- particularly 3rd trimester. Nobody looks at me and *just* thinks "God she's fat!"- instead the fatness is seen as pregnancy weight. And even though I'm quite large, even for a preggo, there is still something nice about weighing this much and having people tell me I look radiant.

I'll miss silly baby movements. Every once in a while the baby will kick or move in a weird way, and it's utterly distracting. I laugh and ask them what they are getting up to. It's such an intimate and personal experience between me and the baby.

I'll miss sitting on the couch with David's hand on my stomach constantly asking him "did you feel that?" and having him assure me that he could (even though I think he lied a fair amount!). I'll especially miss when he definitely felt a big movement and exclaimed at it.

I'll miss a life without zippers and buttons on my jeans! I don't know how I'll ever manage to go back to such a constricting way of dressing!

I'll miss how easy exercise is. Exercise is all about gentle movement when you're pregnant- which is a big relief from my normal hard core exercise programmes.

I'll miss getting to sit down on trains and buses, even when they're overfull. Half the time I had to request for someone to get up... but I don't really mind anymore.

I'll miss milk. I used to love drinking milk when I was a kid. After some point in my teens though I realised that milk was quite high in calories, and not really necessary to drink in order to get enough calcium. Since that time I've never really ever just drank a glass of milk. I've been drinking lots of milk during the pregnancy, and I love it!

I'll miss how close it's made David and I. We've had many talks about what kind of family we want to be, and the things we hope and dream for our children. I've never felt this close to him- and I know having a baby will change the dynamics of our relationship.

I'll miss the extra help. When Dave does an extra load of dishes, or a student takes something to the bin for me. It's nice feeling slightly pampered.

I'll miss having it all still ahead of me. This is the only time for this child when I am really not missing their smaller selves (who feels nostalgic about a weird alien-looking embryo?)

I'll miss the unknown anticipation- will they be a boy or a girl? What will their name be? Who are they going to be as a person? It's all still a mystery.

I'll miss the ice cream. So much ice cream...

I'll miss not being judged for my comfortable shoe choices. The girls in my NCT group were all talking about how they can't wait to wear heels again. It struck me then, that they all have no idea that I have *always* worn the boring tennis shoes with jeans... at the moment, it's just assumed that I have a better fashion sense than I'm presenting. Oh well... lol

Things I'm Looking Forward To...

I can't wait to sleep on my back and front again!

I am so excited to get rid of the damn pregnancy pillow!

I am SO ready to make the maternity pad under the sheets disappear forever! So much sweatiness!

I'm looking forward to my skin acting normally again (no more weird/painful sleep creases).

I'm looking forward to the stretch marks fading... hopefully...

I'm looking forward to lounging on the couch without a care in the world about how my pelvis is aligned!

I'm looking forward to seeing parts of my body that have been hidden for months!

I'm looking forward to putting on socks and shoes without epic struggling.

I can't wait to be able to MOVE again! Standing up easily, walking without a waddle, reaching over to get something off a table, getting in and out of bed, everything!

I'm looking forward to getting my body back- even though it's going to be really hard. I want to look like my mental image of myself again.

I can't wait to drink a pint of beer in a pub!

I can't wait to eat a HUGE plate of sushi!

I am looking forward to ordering/cooking whatever food I want without wondering if it's ok for baby... (I'm looking at you cheeses and meats!)

I'm looking forward to having a coffee with caffeine it in again!

I can't wait to take a LONG and SUPER HOT bath!

I want to sit in a steam room or in a spa!

I can't wait to not have to worry about the choices I make with my body (how I move, what I breath, where I go, what I eat, how hot I get, what activities I partake in) be a potential risk! Seriously- just think about how many activities and products you see say "not suitable for pregnant women" on them! Even in the aromatherapy shop the other day there were warning on some of the scents!!!

I'm sure there are more on both lists that I haven't thought to include right now... but suffice to say that life is full of swings and roundabouts :)

Yesterday was my due date. I think I have maybe had a handful of Braxton Hicks over the last couple of weeks. My lower back hurts, I have occasional lower abdominal cramping, and there is a huge amount of pelvic pressure when I stand up after having been sat down- especially by the end of the day.

These are all pre-labour signs. But they aren't imminent signs. These things can go on for weeks.

I've been doing all I can to naturally kick start labour! I've read all the lists, and have been trying all of the more solid and safe techniques- spicy curries, walking, sex. Nothing works.

One of the girls in my NCT course, Dee, sent us all a message on the WhatsApp yesterday to say she had started labour the night before. It's so hard not to be jealous. It was my due date, and my due date was before hers. I know due dates are rubbish and some people are early and some are late. But it just really got to me. She is the 5th baby out of the 8 of us from NCT. The only other 2 left besides me have April due dates.

In a way, it feels rather symmetrical. Yesterday, I sat on the couch and cried and felt sorry for myself. Feelings and thoughts of: the baby will never come, I'm SO uncomfortable, the baby will be huge if they stay in for another week or 2, the baby won't be a pisces if they don't come soon, I'm going to have to be induced (which will hurt [more]), it's not fair- mom had all of her babies early, I'm embarrassed that it's taking so long when I've been off work for a month, I just want to get it over with, I'm so tired of constantly being on edge noticing every little twinge of pain and checking the loo after every pee for the mucus plug. And I cried.

I remember, what seems like a lifetime ago, crying in the speech office at school after getting another negative pregnancy test. Laura had just announced she was pregnant- and I was doing everything to get pregnant! I spoke with the doctor about my PCOS, we were being careful on our timing, taking pre-natal vitamins, had given up caffeine and alcohol. It was only 3 months- but I was certain between my age and the PCOS that I would never get pregnant. And I cried to the other therapists. I cried because I was sure that I'd never be a mother, and I cried out of jealousy for all of those women who got pregnant so easily, and I cried because I was impatient and scared. 2 days later the stick changed to positive- and I was overjoyed (though quite embarrassed by my strop).

It feels like I've come full circle. I guess the good news is is that the baby WILL come out. There is no way I'll still be pregnant 2 weeks from now- the hospital won't let me. But as time goes on, I worry... I worry because risk of stillborn birth increases now, I worry because of the size of the baby, and the worry about the task of labour just builds every day.

I KNOW that the solution is to relax. I know that I need to NOT worry about any of this stuff, and just rest and enjoy what is the last of my me-time until I'm over 50 years old. Seems like an obvious and easy solution. But I am finding it really hard. I think a big part of it, is that I'm just SO uncomfortable, and physically can't relax. I am not allowed to lounge back on the sofa because of baby positioning. So I go from sitting on the floor, to bouncing on my blue birthing ball, to standing and walking, to laying on my left side (until my left hip becomes too sore), to hanging out on all 4s on the floor. None of these positions is really relaxing or comfortable. So you think- ok, then lets come up distracting activities. Great idea! Only my mobility is so uncomfortable that the thought of doing nearly anything other than sitting, standing, or waddling just seems like a huge pain! I want to do some art- but it'll kill my back! I want to learn some more knitting and crotchet, but it will also hurt my back and there's too much bending over. I want to read, but effing holding up the book hurts my back! (I CAN'T wait for a life where I can lean back again!!!) Am I whiney? Yes. Could I push through and do something anyways? Sure. But this is what is going on. And because I'm so whiney and anxious and uncomfortable, I just can't seem to manage any of the stuff that I KNOW would be good for me.

I think I'll try to get Sara on Skype again today. That, I've found, is the best distraction. Having a friend to hang out with and talk to. Shame I don't really have a lot of people here...

Fun end of pregnancy game to mess with friends and family: Just randomly text "hi"s and ":)"s to people. Call often to "just chat". And send a variety of fun links to people on chat and in emails! Watch them squirm every time your name pops up! (believe me- the waiting is MUCH harder on this end!!!)

I have been pregnant FOREVER! With any luck, this is the last of my weekly photo progress. For all those patiently waiting all these months to see just how MASSIVE I was going to get- here is the final payoff! The answer is- SOOOOO MASSIVE! I can still fit through most doorways :P

So without further ado- here are my final month's pictures! If I have to take a week 41 picture I will not be impressed!

Week 36:

Week 37:

Week 38:

Week 39:

Week 40:

All done now??

40a

The calendar alarm just went off on my phone saying DUE DATE!!!

woah...

Today is the last day of week 39. Still no baby. I know it's totally normal to take this long, and even much longer! But I sort of thought I'd have the baby by now... my mom had all of her babies by at least 2 weeks early. Oh well, I guess it just goes to show that a parent's experience doesn't really have a whole lot to do with what happens to us.

The discomfort is mounting. I am being really cautious about how I sit and lay, because I want to encourage optimal fetal positioning- but it means that I rarely actually feel comfortable. My 2 defaults are laying on my left side and napping, or bouncing on my blue birthing ball.

I think the baby is getting lower. It feels like there is a bowling ball sitting in my pelvis. It's especially difficult to transition between sitting and standing/walking. Once I'm walking for about a minute I feel fine, but initially it's quite uncomfortable! A weird 'ailment' that has been gradually getting worse is sleep lines. I'm not sure what they're actually called... you know when you fall asleep and the surface you sleep on leaves marks? My skin has become incredibly vulnerable to that- not helped by the fact that I'm supposed to stay on my left side ALL night- so there is no sharing of surface space. The lines really hurt! I'm up to pee every couple of hours, and whenever I go back to bed, I can feel all the markings wherever I have clothes, seams, or sheet wrinkles- they burn and itch and hurt. I've tried sleeping without PJs the last few nights to limit seams, but it just makes me really sweaty, and the sheets still leave just as many marks, so i can't win. I also have been experiencing a lot of increased fluids in the pants. To the point where I actually thought yesterday that I may have sprung a small leak.

I called the delivery suite to ask for advice on it. They had me come in to check- largely because I admitted to them that the baby has been moving a LOT less in the past couple of weeks. So I headed to St Georges at about 9:15am and went to the 4th floor Fetal Day Assessment Unit. There they hooked me up to a heart monitor for the baby's heartbeat. I sat in that chair for about a half hour pushing a button every time I felt the baby move. The baby moved plenty. The girl right next to me was clearly having contractions. She did not seem happy about it! Freaked me out somewhat, to be honest...
Then I went to another waiting room for an hour or so until my scan. A male midwife did my scan, with a technician coming in halfway to do some "teaching" (it is a teaching hospital after all). He confirmed that the head is down, there is at least one pocket of fluid, and everything looks healthy with the placenta. I asked for an estimate on the size of the baby, which they grudgingly gave me, with many caveats about how it's not accurate. First the guy said almost 9 pounds at 8 lbs 14 oz. Then he re-adjusted that to 8 lbs 5 oz, and then finally adjusted once more to 7 lbs 10 oz. So my guess is that the baby will be somewhere in the 8 pound range if they show up soon. If it takes another week or 2 to be born, then who knows how big they'll be? They assured me that big babies are nothing to worry about- it's the little ones that concern them.
Then I went back to the original (super hot) waiting room. I then had to do an internal exam. She looked at my cervix and had me cough to see if anything was leaking. She said no. Then she did a swab- just in case of infection. She checked the heart rate of the baby a couple more times, and then sent me back to the waiting room. I finally got my notes back and dismissed at about 1:30. She said everything looks perfectly fine, but to not hesitate to call back if I'm at all worried.
Everyone who saw me was super nice. The waiting times, as always, were horrible- but I figured I had nothing better to be doing.

So now I'm just waiting waiting waiting. I've had some period-like cramping. It actually was fairly painful last night as I went to bed. But nothing has started- no show, no contractions. I feel like I'm going to be pregnant FOREVER. I can't actually imagine this baby deciding to come out! I really don't want to go late, and I really don't want to be induced. So I'm keeping my fingers crossed that it happens this weekend (today is Saturday).

It's weird- because I really want labour to start- but I'm still terrified of it. I couldn't even handle the stupid little swab stick yesterday without it really hurting. I have no chance of getting through this! I can't sleep for more than about 2 hours at a time. I don't really have a lot of energy for *doing* stuff- but just sitting around on the blue ball is really dull. I've been putting off making a fruit salad all week. I'm sure my fruit is now less than at its best... I'm just so bored and so anxious all at once! I just want to get this part over with and move on to the next stage- even though I know it's going to be super hard.

Apparently 50% of women naturally go into labour within 6 days of their due date... so I'm hoping that that means that I've got a really good chance of having this baby by Wed.

It's a little funny- I actually can't call or text anybody without their heart skipping a beat because they think I'm giving them news about the baby being born. I kind of feel like I'm disappointing everyone for making them wait for so long. But trust me- the waiting is MUCH harder on me!

David is the only one who doesn't seem to share in the arrival anxiety. Don't misunderstand me- he's really excited. But he keeps going on about how much work he has to do, and how it isn't a convenient time for the baby to be born. In fact, he keeps having late nights "just in case"- which is really not helping me out at all. I'm on my own all day here, and seriously bored, and there are a lot of chores that I need help with- that he then can't help me with because he gets home too late. I keep telling him this- but I don't think he gets it. He just cares about his job FAR more than I care about mine. Ultimately I know that I come before his job... but if he can manage his job as a very close second, he sure does try his best.

It probably doesn't help that because of all of this discomfort, boredom, anticipation, and anxiety- I've become quite grouchy to be around. I'm irritated with everything and everyone. I just want this baby to get OUT. And I'm jealous of all of the people in the world who enjoy luxuries like standing up, bending over, and being able to lounge back on a sofa. And David gets the brunt of my grouchiness. Oh! And he keeps asking me if I think he will do a good job at the labour. He's worried because he's never done it before and has no way of practicing. Logically, I know that this is sweet- because he cares and wants to do a good job. But my gut reaction is "who the fuck cares about how hard this will be for you?!" because if you want to talk about being worried about being able to do something- while his role is important- it's not NEARLY as hard as what I'm going to have to do. So I really don't feel like I should be comforting him and providing him with support for having to support me. It's all highly amusing if you think about it. I'm sure when the grumpiness has left I'll look at it all quite differently and probably be ashamed of writing such things on my blog :P At least he doesn't read this- I've been trying to get him to read my LJ for years, he's not interested (he says I tell him all this stuff anyways! lol, he's probably right...)

Anyways- tomorrow is mother's day AND my due date. My first mother's day. I don't think David will have gotten anything for me... and I honestly feel like the baby probably won't have been born yet. But I'm really really really hoping to be wrong, and to be holding my baby by tomorrow night. I couldn't imagine a better mother's day gift than to have my baby finally!

Dave and I survived our birthdays sans baby (which we were hoping for).

Dave's birthday was on Friday. I gave him some spiffy recording headphones that I did a bunch of research on. He's very happy with them. And then we had some Chinese take out for dinner!

Saturday we had a big group of friends (Ali, Adrian, Jessica, Premma, Chloe, Lauren, Liza, Herman, and Juliette) meet us for lunch at a little Italian place across the street from Colliers Wood. It was lots of fun! We got cards from several people, some art stuff (paints and brushes) from the Milk girls, bubbles, bath set, and wine holder from Ali and Adrian, TK Max gift card from Chloe, and a cute picture frame from Juliette. Lauren came over after and had a chat about microphones with David hehe.

On Sunday for my birthday we went to Kew Gardens and wandered around. I hit week 39 on Sunday, so I felt fairly hardcore for being on my feet for about 7 hours! It was a bit cold and grey, but we still had a nice time. Then we had 5 Guys for dinner, which I am super excited about! (one opened in Wimbledon). David got me a starter interchangeable knitting set with flexible cables. I hope I can figure out how to use them!

There was lots of FB love, and I've gotten a fair number of cards from relatives as well, which is always nice.

So now Dave is 30 and I'm 32... and any day now baby Hawkins will be 0.

Exciting times!

Monday-

Tidying, walking, Chipotle for lunch (bit spicy), tin of pineapple, and the intercourses. Feeling a LOT of pressure on my pelvis, and maaaaaybe some slight cramping? No show, no contractions.

I'm focussing on getting everything started, and trying not to think past that point (because if I do, then I panic). Lets just get this done!

Also, the baby seems to be moving slightly more these past few days, for which I'm super grateful for!! I was quite worried for a while there!!

Thursday of week 38 (my weeks actually start on Sundays!, convenient)

I'm *loving* being on maternity leave. It's so nice to not have to go into work every day! I really like having the option of just staying in bed all morning... though to be honest, I am generally up at about 7. I wear really comfy clothes, and haven't bothered with a bra in over a week! It's great!

I feel pretty good too. Because I'm able to take it easy, the pregnancy really doesn't feel that hard right now. I mean- it's still fairly uncomfortable! I'd love to lay back on the couch instead of bouncing on my blue ball... but so many women have it much worse!

I've decided to not weigh in again until after the baby is born. The last time I did I weighed like 238, and I think if I saw the scale reach 240 I'd have an actual panic attack. Best to ignore it for a few more weeks.

I had a GP appointment on Monday. She said everything looks fine... whatever that means. I swear these appointments are all the same. I sit down, she takes my blood pressure, checks my pee, then has me lay down to listen to the baby's heart and feel that the head is still down, and measure the bump. Apparently she is still measuring the bump as big (it was 41 cm) but she refuses to tell me if the baby is big or not. She says there is no way to know. I think that's odd, because the girls in my yoga and NCT have doctors telling them how much their babies are weighing already! It's not fair. I ask her questions, and she basically just says "what did the midwife say?". Great. But other than the 41cm thing, everything looks fine.

I have noticed the movement decrease somewhat this week. It's got me a little bit worried... though I guess it's normal when they start to run out of room. They are still squirming and kicking some, but it's not nearly as frequent as it used to be. Yesterday I did a 10 minute test and counted 24 movements- which is more than enough according to my book. I just wish I knew for sure that everything was ok.

I don't think the head is "engaged" yet. I still find it easy enough to walk at a fairly normal pace, and there's no waddling. This tends to change if I get really tired, but I never get that tired anymore. David and I walked to Wimbledon Village for coffee on Sunday. We probably walked a little over 3 miles, and I was fine.

I'm not eating well at all. Waaay too much carbs and sugar! I'm finding it really hard to get the veggies in. I feel like a terrible mother for not providing a nutritious enough diet for the kid... but whenever I try to think of a way to get more veggies in I either blank or feel completely unenthusiastic about it. I'm not overeating though... 2-3 meals a day and 2-3 snacks a day. A snack is usually something like a spoonfull of peanutbutter and nuttella, or a small pot of yogurt, or a glass of milk. Meals tend to be a bowl of cereal, pasta, bagels, or sandwiches. This week I've been really enjoying egg salad on crumpets! Bit weird, but surprisingly yummy!

Tonight is a full moon. So far I feel fine, so I don't think it's going to do anything. It doesn't feel real to me that my due date is a week from Sunday. I have a feeling that the baby is going to be late- but I think that that's because I can't actually imagine me waking up some day in the next 9 days and going into labour! It just doesn't feel like something that can actually happen to me. And so far, there is no indication from my body that it disagrees with me. Well, perhaps some Braxton Hicks here and there... maybe... it's hard to say.

I keep looking for a "show"- but nothing. It's a weird feeling; the waiting. I'm dreadfully ready to not be pregnant anymore. I'm, honestly, slightly bored. I love the free time and the sleep and the quiet though. I have no idea what it'll actually be like to have a baby in the flat. Seems unreal. I also really want it to be over. I'm tired of having random little panics about the birth. I want to be on the other end of it!

I'm also having a hard time not worrying about stuff. I'm worried that the baby will die. I'm worried that the baby will have a terrible disability, I'm worried that labour will be too hard, I'm worried that introducing a child into our relationship will tear David and I apart, I'm worried that I won't find a work/home balance, I'm worried about childcare, I'm worried that we'll go into serious debt. I'm even worried about stuff like how my recovery will go and if I'll be able to breast feed (or if breast feeding will hurt too much to keep it up).

This week I discovered that we don't get a choice about dual citizenship. Because I'm an American and have lived in America for at least 5 years, the baby automatically gets citizenship. I thought we had a choice- nope. This means that in addition to everything else, I need to make an appointment at the embassy, register the birth, get a SSN, and a passport. The baby won't be allowed into the US without a US passport. I also will need to have a witnessed letter from David to travel to the states with the baby. There's just so much to think about!

David is stressed too. He's been reading a lot about labour and stuff. He is stressed about the change in our lives, he is stressed about the birth, and he's stressed about work. He's excited and all that, but I think the pressure is mounting for him as the due date slowly creeps up on us.

My mom is going nuts with baby stuff. She's doing a babybook for us, which is really sweet! But she has me taking countless pictures of inanimate objects to put in- and while a few are special and I can totally understand, there are some that I really just don't care about. Like how PHS gave me a gift card for amazon and I bought bin liners for the diaper genie with them. Why would I want pictures of bin liners? I wish she didn't know about those purchases that I made, because she's counting them as gifts, and they really aren't. I'm sort of not telling her about a number of other gifts that just aren't as important to me (which I know sounds bad! but they aren't). Like one of my student's parents got us a cute Gruffalo outfit. It cost a fiver from Sainburys (I know because I saw it there). It's totally sweet of her, and I appreciate it- but it's not worth documenting in the baby book. She also asked me today if the baby will call me mom or mum, and then before I could answer said that she thinks they should say "mom" because mum makes her think of mummies. I told her it would be mum, because we're in England. She said that they should be capable of saying "mom" even though we're in England. Sigh. And she wants SO MANY pictures of everything! She is coping with not being able to be close by living through pictures. She wants pictures of every stage of the labour. I'm stressed enough about giving birth without having my picture taken throughout the whole thing! AND it's just going to be me and David, and I need David supporting me, not taking pictures. She is not going to be impressed when we don't have any pictures to show her- though why she would want to see pictures of me on all 4s in the living room or soaking in the tub is beyond me. She's also nagging me to send pictures of giant underpants. The giant underpants are not something that I'm overly happy about, but she thinks they're funny and sends me constant messages nagging me to take a picture of them for her. She doesn't seem to respect my boundaries at all. (And I regret telling her about the giant underpants).

David turns 30 tomorrow. Glad that he's finally in the same decade as me! I'll be 32 on Sunday. I quite liked being 31. I thought it was a good age to be! 32 doesn't feel too bad, but it doesn't feel as nice as 31 did. We're meeting a bunch of friends for lunch on Saturday (assuming there is still no baby). Then we'll have Five Guys (one just opened in Wimbledon!) for lunch for my birthday on Sunday. Then starting Monday I'll be in natural induction mode! I would love for the baby to be born sometime between Monday-Sunday. We'll see how it goes. I realised this week that my due date, Sunday the 15, is mother's day! It's kind of cute :). But I'm also afraid that all of these holidays happening in March means that I won't really get the kind of special days that they would otherwise be. March includes Dave's birthday, my birthday, Bug's birthday, mother's day, and our marriage anniversary. It's nuts!

I'm quite glad that I did so much cleaning in the first 2 weeks of my maternity leave. All of the big jobs are done, and I'm on to maintenance. The laundry is completely up to date, and everything is tidy.. well, except for a sink full of dishes right now, because it's really hard for me to do dishes (it's hard to reach the sink over the bump). Hopefully Dave will do the dishes tonight. I've given Dave a to-do list for around the house... he hasn't done anything on it. Granted, he's been working... but it does feel like he's done less since I've been on leave. I think he feels that since I'm home all day I can do everything. Which is fair... except that I can't do everything. He means well.. but I don't think he has the nesting bug in the same way as me. He doesn't see how come the baby requires the oven to be cleaned! hehe

Speaking of housework and David... he should be home by now, and I haven't started dinner. So I should probably go do that :P

We'll see if we make it to weeks 39 and 40!! :)

Hey guys! Sorry about the vastness of boring pictures on that last post! My mom wants them, and it seemed the easiest way to get her pictures with descriptions. Hopefully putting it behind a cut made it less obnoxious.

Hopefully a week 38 update soon to come!

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squishymeister

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Spirited Accidentals

my daily rants

Recent Entries

November

5 Months Post Partem

Months 2 & 3

Weightloss

Mommy's Here

Emily's First Month

Emily's Birth Story

Singing Through Contractions

Pre-Labour?

A Week Overdue

What I'll Miss/ What I Won't

Thoughts on the End

Entertainment

Month 9 Pictures

Reality Check

Last Non-Due Date

Birthday Weekend 2015

Week 39

Week 38

Sorry Friends!