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The "Will I Be A Good Parent" Anxieties
Nov. 4th, 2014 07:47 pmI read this article today, http://www.buzzfeed.com/staciabrown/the-difficult-empathy-of-parenthood, posted by Sarah Ellis (a girl who I strongly feel is an excellent mother!). I read it, frowning slightly at the truths in it that I really don't want to face.
The 2 that especially stood out to me though are:
1. People say you parent the way you were parented — and to some primal degree, that will always be true. That mimicry is what happens by rote and without intention.
2. When the awe of caring for a tiny, new, and helpless life wears off, too many of us treat our children like we treat everyone else when we are at our most impatient with them — or worse, in our most terrible moments, we treat our children like we wish could treat other people who’ve frustrated or infuriated us. Parenting quickly teaches us our capacity for cruelty, the limits of instinctive self-control.
I desperately want to be a good mum. But this speaks right to the heart of my fears- that after time has passed and comfort levels have set in that I'll revert back to what I know. And what I know is not nice. My childhood wasn't all bad- I was cared for, fed well, given house and home comforts, vacations, good schools, opportunities, and my mom and stepdad had overall good morals that they were hoping to instil. But the approach had its foundation in cruelty, bullying, intimidation, and fear. I don't remember the early years at all- but I'm fairly certain that there was a good deal of drama. My dad left when I was quite young and never looked back. And then my mom married a bully. From age 8 or so he was 'God' and our (the kids) role became to be obedient, submissive, silent, spotless, and unseen. Break these rules and all manner of hell was unleashed. I spent the vast majority of these years counting down until the day I would turn 18 and could leave forever. I wrote countless running away messages, but never had the guts to go through with it. CPS was a constant presence and fear (none of us wanted to be put in the system, so we lied).
Despite all of this, I am quite well balanced. I don't really have any long lasting psychological issues or anything like that. And I'm happy, and loved, and am enjoying the hell out of being a grown up. I work with kids, and am a damn good therapist. I am one of the best behaviour management people I've met when it comes to non-teenage students. My classroom management and individual behaviour skills are simply amazing. And still my students love me, and I have good bonds with them. I am able to be firm but kind- but I am still very very strict and do not allow any sort adverse behaviour (it kills me to sit back and just watch a kid doing something that they shouldn't be). So I've had hopes that even though I've clearly absorbed Bob's strictness, I've done it in a more gentle and loving way... but the thing is, I *work* with these kids. I get frequent breaks from them (and when I don't it doesn't go as well) and I get to say goodbye to them at the end of the day. Maybe when it's my own kid and I'm not getting the breaks I won't be able to keep my calm as well.
The thing that gives me the most hope is that David is one of the most patient, gentle, and kind people I've met. He was very lucky to have an ideal childhood, with normal loving parents who encouraged him to be himself. He never dealt with the sorts of things that I had to deal with, and as such, should be a much better parent for it. I'm hoping that he will be able to keep me in check.
But yeah, I hadn't thought about the "newness" wearing off before- but it's a good point. It's easy to think "oh, I'll be better than my parents were" when the baby is safely tucked away in my belly.
The 2 that especially stood out to me though are:
1. People say you parent the way you were parented — and to some primal degree, that will always be true. That mimicry is what happens by rote and without intention.
2. When the awe of caring for a tiny, new, and helpless life wears off, too many of us treat our children like we treat everyone else when we are at our most impatient with them — or worse, in our most terrible moments, we treat our children like we wish could treat other people who’ve frustrated or infuriated us. Parenting quickly teaches us our capacity for cruelty, the limits of instinctive self-control.
I desperately want to be a good mum. But this speaks right to the heart of my fears- that after time has passed and comfort levels have set in that I'll revert back to what I know. And what I know is not nice. My childhood wasn't all bad- I was cared for, fed well, given house and home comforts, vacations, good schools, opportunities, and my mom and stepdad had overall good morals that they were hoping to instil. But the approach had its foundation in cruelty, bullying, intimidation, and fear. I don't remember the early years at all- but I'm fairly certain that there was a good deal of drama. My dad left when I was quite young and never looked back. And then my mom married a bully. From age 8 or so he was 'God' and our (the kids) role became to be obedient, submissive, silent, spotless, and unseen. Break these rules and all manner of hell was unleashed. I spent the vast majority of these years counting down until the day I would turn 18 and could leave forever. I wrote countless running away messages, but never had the guts to go through with it. CPS was a constant presence and fear (none of us wanted to be put in the system, so we lied).
Despite all of this, I am quite well balanced. I don't really have any long lasting psychological issues or anything like that. And I'm happy, and loved, and am enjoying the hell out of being a grown up. I work with kids, and am a damn good therapist. I am one of the best behaviour management people I've met when it comes to non-teenage students. My classroom management and individual behaviour skills are simply amazing. And still my students love me, and I have good bonds with them. I am able to be firm but kind- but I am still very very strict and do not allow any sort adverse behaviour (it kills me to sit back and just watch a kid doing something that they shouldn't be). So I've had hopes that even though I've clearly absorbed Bob's strictness, I've done it in a more gentle and loving way... but the thing is, I *work* with these kids. I get frequent breaks from them (and when I don't it doesn't go as well) and I get to say goodbye to them at the end of the day. Maybe when it's my own kid and I'm not getting the breaks I won't be able to keep my calm as well.
The thing that gives me the most hope is that David is one of the most patient, gentle, and kind people I've met. He was very lucky to have an ideal childhood, with normal loving parents who encouraged him to be himself. He never dealt with the sorts of things that I had to deal with, and as such, should be a much better parent for it. I'm hoping that he will be able to keep me in check.
But yeah, I hadn't thought about the "newness" wearing off before- but it's a good point. It's easy to think "oh, I'll be better than my parents were" when the baby is safely tucked away in my belly.
